as i exited the subway station this morning, on my way to my office, i noticed some bright lights at the top of the escalator. at the L St. exit was the Fox 5 News weather man and his camera crew, standing in front of shoddy map. the weather man had grabbed a volunteer from the street and was instructing her, i suppose, on what lines she was going to recite after returning from the commercial break. she stood, mouth agape, nodding her head in a machine-like manner.
as pedestrians and commuters craned their necks to get glimpses of the set-up, i shot it a few glances and made my way up Connecticut Ave. a homeless man, disgustingly drunk at this early hour, was making his way to the camera display when he noticed my face.
"Say, brotha," he said. "Ain'tchu the guy that used t--"
"Shut your filthy mouth, rummy!" I replied.
i grabbed him by his moist wool shirt and urged him not to say another word. somehow, the guy had noticed me from my infamous television stint in the late 70s. i once hosted a show called "Straight Talk with Malk", which appeared on Fox 5 on Sunday mornings. while my intentions for the show were good, my excitement proved to be ephemeral, as the production was pulled from the air after a mere four episodes. i don't blame myself, personally; i blame a guest named Charles Banks, who initiated an on-air scuffle, ruining an interview that had already been destined for chaos.
Charles trailblazed an initiative to allow meerkat ownership in D.C. homes. he trumpeted his cause as much as possible, appearing at local schools and running brief television ads for the furry, sorrow-eyed creatures. "You don't know much additional love you have to give," he'd say. "Open the smallest window in your home to a meerkat."
after months of this seemingly absurd campaign, i invited Charles to be a guest on my show. he must have sensed the levity in my voice because it took him months to return my calls. "Meerkats are hard work," he'd say. "Takes time, buddy. Lots of time." we coordinated schedules and he agreed to a program appearance. that morning, Charles showed up to the studio in a drab khaki suit and a pair of highway trooper shades. in tow, he had a small kennel filled with about six meerkats, which were biting at wire door.
"Sir, animals aren't allowed on the set." i said.
"Buddy, I can't drive the cause without help from my lil' friends," he replied. "Takes time."
"But, sir, with all due respect, you can't have the meerkats on stage. That presents a hazard to my audience and I'm not prepared to deal with the liability issues."
Charles plopped the kennel in front of me, placed his right foot atop it, removed his shades and said, "Takes . . . time."
i allowed Charles to bring the animals on stage, but only on the condition that they remain caged. if any audience members or viewers were interested in seeing the meerkats up close, they'd either have to wait to see one of Charles's ads or do some research on their own time. i introduced Charles and he took his seat, but not before shaking my hand with extra force. somehow, i should have knows madness was about to ensue.
introducing Charles and describing the tenets of his initiative, i couldn't help but to chuckle. i blamed my laugh on being enamored at the tiny faces of the meerkats, but Charles didn't buy it. he cut off my next sentence by starting a monologue of his own, focusing on how important it is for D.C. residents to take in the animals. he went on mentioning some issues about meerkat population control, proper rearing, and how good the animals are with small children. it was when he mentioned how cute the animals looked in pastel-colored t-shirts that i lost it. i bowed my head to laugh but the sound was overpowering. some audience members joined me, too, and i tried desperately to signal the floor production crew for a commercial break. no such luck. there were five minutes remaining in the segment.
i angled my body away from Charles and attempted to tease an upcoming guest, but he started repeating the sentence, "Now, wait just a minute!" he rose from his chair, this time, standing completely atop his kennel of meerkats. he jumped in the air, forming his body into a ball, and threw himself at me. i heard gasps from the audience as we toppled backwards onto the stage. i hit my head on the floor and temporarily lost consciousness. when i came to, people were screaming and Charles was kneeling at the kennel, loosening its lock. seconds later, each of the meerkats broke free in the studio. four darted towards the now scrambling audience and floor crew, while the remaining two ran directly at my face. i was bitten 82 times around my ears and nose while Charles stood, laughing.
it took nearly a decade for my scars to heal and for me to regain my full sense of hearing. i had to get lots of reconstructive surgery on my face and stayed away from the public eyes for years. Charles went unpunished, having been rumored to have fled to New Mexico minutes after the melee.
after walking to the corner of DeSales St., i made a u-turn and headed back to the Fox 5 weather display. the woman volunteer was in the middle of jittering her way through California's high temperatures when i leaped in front of the camera.
"LOOK," i said. "LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME, FOX 5! I COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL!"
i was grabbed by two off-duty police officers and ordered to leave the scene. listen out in your office today for eye witness accounts.
