i bet i never told you about the one time . . .

when i very publicly embarrassed myself in front of half of Holy Family School.

my friend bryce's grandparents used to watch us in the morning before school. my mom would drop me off on her way to work and we'd get into shit in his grandparents' living room until it was time to pile into his grandfather's cadillac and head up the road.

bryce would always get in trouble, too. once, his grandfather found a squeeze bottle of grape jelly under his bed that had been sitting there for weeks. his grandfather asked him why he had it under the bed and bryce said he was putting it on crackers one day and left it under there by mistake.

i listened to the whole exchange from down the hall. suddenly, i heard a *thwack* and bryce came dancing down the hall, holding his left ass cheek.

anyway, one day, we were going back to school after a few snow days. bryce's grandfather pulled up alongside a mound of snow, and bryce hopped out, darting towards the parking lot. i slid across the bouncy leather seat, saying, "wait for me, bryce!" but he was gone.

i think i made it about 20 feet from the crowd when i felt my legs go from under me. the next thing i know, i'm sliding on my back, bookbag propping up my head, looking at the sky. i came to a rest at everyone's feet and was immediately greeted with an outbust of laughter. it felt like some shit out of a children's book. you know, the kind with the kid fighting off a cloud of misfortune all day.

i was so embarrassed. i gathered myself and stood up like nothing happened. i don't even know where bryce was, the fucker. i got laughed at for 2 more days until the incident became old news.

i ended up blaming my mom because she wouldn't buy me a pair of British Knights to go along with my uniform. they were the "it" shoes back then, but i was stuck with a pair of Giovanni Prancers.

(they weren't really called "Prancers", but, you know, i can't reasonably say anything positive about thoe shoes.)